Why

Do we yearn for things we cant have? be singing Elton John songs next....

Oh, got home to few more parcels :o) i love getting stuff through post, even if i have ordered them myself! one was Jame's' greatest hits for me, and the other was radio 1 live lounge for Stephens Christmas.

This is when i Love Christmas the most, when all the big pressies are bought and you see something you know someone will like and buy it. I much prefer buying for other people than myself. I'm a giver ;)

Christmas makes me reflective too, it's times like this i really miss my Mum, she loved it too. Her last Christmas is etched in my head. We had everyone round, family friends, my friends, neighbours, it's almost like she knew.She cooked for everyone and refused to let anyone help. My Mum had 12 weeks left to live at that point. Not that we knew that, nor did the docs who kept giving her more and more painkillers for her arthritis. How on earth we couldn't see her wasting away in front of our eyes in beyond belief. I bought her a dress i remember, a size 14, that was her size. Was being the word, it hung on her like a sack.

We demanded in the January that she was taken to hospital. I expected to be told she had something wrong, they'd fix her up and send her home. I was 20, what did i know. I was through in Glasgow seeing Erasure that day. I got out car and the front door opened. My oldest big brother and my mums best friend stood there. I still didn't click. They told me my Mum had cancer, they don't know where it started or how far gone she was but it was bad, very bad.

Next day at hospital we were all herded into room. 3 days to live. That's what they told us. 3 Days, 3 fucking days! My dad wasn't going to tell Mum, i disagreed with that as did all my brothers. Mattered not a jot, my Mum wasn't stupid, she got docs to tell her straight.

Crikey, what started as a Happy blog has gone int meltdown... anther day methinks...